a short section! not much to say on this one, and not gonna clog it up with my inane commentary.Descent, (3)/?, (PG-13)/NC-17, jongkey, jongyu, part 3=1,182 words
things were normal just a day ago, i know. but this was the beginning of a slow descent, i just didn't know it yet.
That night I took the fucking Risperdal, and consequently collapsed into my bed. It takes about an hour to kick in…so in the meantime I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, hoping the voices and fragments would leave soon.
It’s dark, yet darker shadows are cast about the room, leaving gloomy patters across my bed. I’m tangled in the sheets, the only way to sleep, one leg sticking out of the mess of fabric, the other tangled in it. It’s hot as fucking shit, the fan is on, whirring devotedly in the corner of the room but the chilled air never reaches me. Sweat is starting to coat my face; the sheets begin to stick to me like glue.
The only other sounds were my humming thoughts, zinging inside my skull like fireworks.
I shake the hot covers off of me, swinging my legs to the side of the bed and sitting up. I can hear the groaning of the sleepless city below the apartment, all of them out having fun, or out doing something meaningful…I sit here trapped in my thoughts, trapped in this house, trapped by this stupid disease.
I realize now, fully, that I totally sexually harassed my psychotherapist today.
I realize now that I have no idea how much of that was of my own true accord. I mean, I know I did it, I was right there when it happened, and I liked doing it. But…it was weird…I…felt as if I was floating slightly out of my body, I feel like it was a dream, maybe one of my hallucinations…but no, it did happen. I tasted his cum for an hour after, even after downing a glass of fruit punch.
I don’t know what Dr. Lee will do.
I feel like a bit of a monster now, earlier I felt vindicated, maybe alive even, but the feeling was fleeting.
I like to think it was Key, in fact I know it was Key who put that unearthly force inside me, but I know that it wasn’t just him, I’m a monster. Not a monster, no, it’s not like I’ve killed someone but like…I find it disturbingly easy to manipulate people when I really try. I mean, Lee Jinki isn’t the toughest man to fuck with, but…he crumpled under me so easily, it sent chills down my spine. I wanted to do it again, I wanted to fuck him and make him beg for me, I wanted to never ever manipulate someone like that again, I wanted to just disintegrate and die. Things did not need to become this complicated. This is my fault, it’s always my fault.
“Don’t beat yourself up.”
I feel his hands wrap around me from behind, I feel his head settle in the crook of my neck. “How can I not,” I mutter, not looking at him.
Key kisses my cheek lightly. “…I admit, I may have put that initiative in your step, but I know you. You need it.”
“I’ll forgive you changing the subject if you explain.”
“I want you to be happy, Jonghyunnie. I love you, but I can’t have you anymore because I can only live with you in your head, I can only have you when your body is being ravaged by this awful disease, and it…hurts to know you have to suffer just to feel me. You need someone else.”
I groan. “Why did you pick my therapist?”
He laughs, his voice jingling like silver bells in my ear. “You like him,” he says matter-of-factly. “You do, under all you stubbornness, and your hatred. You said it yourself, you like him. He listens to you, he puts up with your bullshit, he takes your life into account without judging you like Minho, your parents, or anyone else does.”
“But it’s so fucking wrong, Key. And since when was true love built upon handjobs?”
I feel his warm body against my back, I feel his hands rub me softly and mechanically, he knows I like to be pet…Key knows me too well, he knows I’m as easy to please as a dog. “The nature of love is that it can be built upon anything, handjobs included,” he whispers. “I had to do something for you, Jonghyun, baby. I can’t see you hurt anymore, I can’t.”
“No one will ever match you,” I say looking to meet him. His feline eyes seem to glimmer in the pale moonlight at the comment.
He runs a finger along my lips. “Ha, well you don’t have to tell me that. I know we're perfect, but it can’t sustain you for the rest of your life. I think you know that too.”
I don’t say anything for a while. Key hums a tune as he rests his head in my neck again, his lips resting on my skin lightly.
“I love you, Key,” I blurt quietly.
“I love you more than anything in this world, Jonghyun,” he replies, laying another kiss on my neck. A moment passes. “That’s why I want you to be happy. When you’re sad, I’m sad too. That’s what love is, you said it yourself.”
“I know.” I say. “I’ll try and work things out with Dr. Lee, okay?”
Key smiles his prim smile. “Call him Jinki. He really does like that, Jonghyun.”
“Ah, Jonghyun,” he whispers, “You know I’ll always be here for you, right? No matter what, I’m always here beside you, whether you see me or not.”
I nod again.
“You won’t offend me if you share your love with someone deserving, Jonghyun. I’ll always love you. All I want is for you to smile. Don’t let me bring you down. Can you smile for me, honeybunches?” he puts his fingers in the corners of my lips, trying to pull them into a warped grin. He pulls his fingers away but my smile still remains. “Good boy,” he croons softly, pecking my lips. He sighs. “Baby, I have to go soon.”
“I know,” I say, sighing with him.
“Try for me, okay?” his voice is breathy and soft, light like a feather. “Just try a little bit, for me okay?”
“Okay, I’ll try. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’ll try, Key.”
He nods, shifting from behind me to my right, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He turns, reaching out for my face, pulling me close. And in a moment his lips meet mine and he kisses me hungrily, knowing that he was going to leave in perhaps the next moment. His mouth is warm and I can feel his tongue skirting mine. I catch his lips in mine, taking control. His familiarity sends shockwaves through my body; the taste of his lips lightly coated with strawberry lip balm, pillowy and soft like cotton candy. These kisses are tinged with the knowledge that we could never really have each other. In a moment,
And I know it's not real, somewhere deep down. It felt real, so real, but I know, I know it's not real. And I feel so empty, knowing I can't have a meaningful moment in my pitiful existence without my brain having to make up bullshit. I know it...never happened. It was 'just a hallucination'. It's all 'only a hallucination'. That's always it, isn't it?
That's always the way.
A car alarm down on the street sets off, particularly loudly. Somehow it only reinforces the fact that I’m alone, as usual.